Feeling the guilt

I’m on a romantic getaway in Atlantic City with my boyfriend.  We’re enjoying the casinos, our gorgeous room with the view of the city and the ocean, slot machines, mojitos, Cabernet, Caribbean Breeze, delicious feasts, Qua Spa at Cesar’s, the pool and hot tub at the Borgata.  I should be relaxing.  I should be having the time of my life.  I should be in the moment.  I shouldn’t be shoulding myself.

But instead, I am obsessing about my body.  What the hell?  There are mirrors everywhere here.  I am ruminating over every physical flaw, over every bite of food, over every choice of food, wishing I hadn’t brought short summer dresses to wear on this trip because I am not comfortable showing my legs.   I cringe with guilt over the drinks.   And, maybe it’s because I’ve been so vigilant with my diet and exercise for almost four months now.  I’ve managed to take off thirty pounds.  It took constant monitoring of food portions.  It took working my tail off in the gym, sweat-drenching work.

So why can’t I take it easy on myself?  I guess I feel like I’ve lost a bit of control and I am disappointed in myself.  I have found a new resolve to exercise more, get more active, 2-3 times a week in the gym plus dog walking may just not cut it.  I am thinking dog walking plus gym 4-5 times a week.  If I can transform into a mini athlete, then perhaps the obsession with food will lessen.  As soon as I typed the words, I already knew that the obsession is not going to get any better.  Can you tell I love the show, The Biggest Loser?

I’m not going to bore you with the details of my weight gain and loss journeys.  But I will say that the struggle began with puberty.  I flirted with eating disorder in high school.  I’ve blown up like a balloon the last ten years of my life and I’ve been on the yo-yo dieting rollercoaster ever since… protein shakes, Atkins, Weight Watchers, gym memberships, personal training.  Hello treadmill, hello elliptical.  Hello free weights, hello zumba.  Maybe that was too much detail.

My doctor said that I need to focus on real permanent choices for my diet.  He says that I should not lose more than 1 pound a week.  He says I should drink skim milk with every meal and have fruits and vegetables with every meal.  He says that activity is more important for me than any diet and the more physically active I am the better.

Well, these changes are not going to happen overnight and definitely not tonight.  As I head to the slot machines, I have resolved to call it a night on the alcohol.  My alarm is set first thing in the morning so that I can go do laps again in the pool before we leave.  And mentally maybe I wasn’t ready for this mini vacation.  But I’m not going to let it stop me from having fun.