31 is not past prime,
It’s just getting started for
And for once in my life,
I’m focusing on #1:
Put all that energy
And devotion I was giving you
And put it into
‘Cause you know who’s worthy?
Everything else is irrelevant.
“Come on take a walk on the wild side. Whatever gets you hot in the pouring rain. You like your girls insane.” – Lana Del Rey
What am I so afraid of? I am practically crippled with regards to writing. I know I don’t get much support or encouragement from people in my life to pursue my craft. In fact, it’s been a bit of a fearful reaction because I’m too confessional a writer. And perhaps, even worse, is the fact that I don’t nurture my own craft.
What is this sense of artistic paralysis that has come over me for the past year? Am I so afraid of rejection that I will eternally maintain a “failure to launch”?
I need to go out there and launch. And with that launch take some hits and rejection along the way. I am strong. I am tough enough to take some blows. Maybe that’s the difference between last year and this one. I can flex my creative muscles and go out there into the external world and launch into all of its unknown with some bravery.
Because like Elizbeth Gilbert said in her speech I too am “lit up from within” like those African dancers.
So let this be my next accomplishment – just launching – going out in the big world with my naked art and my emotions on my sleeve.
And then I will know that at the very least I faced my fears, looked my demons in the eyes, and graduated to a new point in my life. Sure this process may give me anxiety. But I have to look at the bigger picture: having written two books and failed to share them because I was too afraid of how the world would react. I think in the long run that will weigh heavier on me than my nerves being shot every time I hit send on an email to an agent or click publish on my blog.
Olé Elizabeth Gilbert. Olé.
“To live in this world you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it; and, when the time comes to let it go, to let it go.” – Mary Oliver
There’s no one like Mary Oliver. She really touches a pulse, doesn’t she? I know that I have done the first two things on her list fiercely. I have been “loving” and “holding it against my bones” (I love those words) my entire life. But letting it go, that is the hard part. Letting it go is the freeing part. This freedom is exactly what I need here in my little pocket.
So today, I start a new day, er well evening. I’m done trying to make amends and righting wrongs and singing sad songs. It’s time to let go of the attachments, positive or negative as they may be. I’m getting back on the rollercoaster that is my life, throwing my hands up to the sky, and just “let it go.” So tonight, may my hair wisp away in the wind, may my heart be empty as the night, and may my mind be filled with wonder like the stars.
Your dearest dream is coming true.
No good ever came from loving you
And I gave of myself
And I gave
And I gave
A crumb of reciprocity
I look back on our emails
And all the time I was
You were such a prick
You knew how much I loved you
And still you used me
I know that in time
I will look back and know
That you were just an ebb
In my ocean’s flow
You are just a spoiled baby
And I am not afraid to say it
It’s not like you’re reading this
It’s not like you ever did
Read anything I wrote-
Not because you’re no reader
But because you could care less.
Nothing good ever came from you
Except my two dogs
And that is where I’ll leave this
Love and Attraction
We do what we do to attract those we’re attracted to.
We cannot help who we’re attracted to-
Just like we cannot help who we love.
But when we love,
Love truly and completely,
We love across boundaries-
Real and imagined.
We love because of
And in spite of
We love because we wouldn’t want to live life without it.
We love because it’s in our nature to love.
That’s an oldie but goodie poem I wrote back in 2001 or 2002. I bring it up out of the depths because it is still very relevant today. I bring it up because the reverse is also true. We can’t help who were attracted to just like we can’t help who were not attracted to… despite all your hopes weighing in for it to be so because of incredible common interests and compatibility.
I’ve noticed now an alarming trend. I am attracted to people who are not good for me. Holler at me if you are stuck in this dilemma and tell me how do you get out? Why? Time after time fall for the emotionally unavailable, aloof, space cadets or the (not so) borderline abusive? Why not someone sweet, caring, and romantic? Someone just like yourself? But no, you only feel luke warm and angry now that you know that you are so deranged. Don’t you dare blame this on my parents either. No psychoanalytic bs, just need some real talk.
At the very least, I recognize this. I am going to embrace my single time and try healing some more. There have got to be some answers. I turn my ear onto the wind’s breath and sink into the sound of air and spirit tickling my lobe. Erase me. Captivate me in the soothing answers of the clouds and sunlight seeping through my windowsill. Let me know that I am on the right road, that I have done my best. And let that be enough.